An Indian chief goes into town one day and knocks on the door of the local town bordello.  The madam of the house answered the door,
   May I help you?, she asked.
   Yes. Me have money, me want woman.,the Indian said in a rough native American voice.
   I'm sorry Sir, she replied, but you have to have experience to come in here.  Go out and practice with a, she paused to think, a dead tree or something., she finally said with a standoffish attitude.
   The Indian walked away disgruntled.  Six months later the same Indian chief walks back into the same town and goes up to the same bordello and knocks on
the door.  The madam answers the door as usual.
   May I help you?
   Yes, me have money, me have EXPERIENCE, me want woman!!
   Fine sir, she replied sweetly and let him inside.  
   Once there, the business end was taken care of and she directed him to the last door down the hall on the left. The Indian goes into the room and there is a beautiful blond already there and naked as the day she was born.  The Indian chief looks her up and down and then says emphatically, Bend over!   
Ah, kinky bastard, she thinks to herself as she bends over receivingly in front of him. All of a sudden the Indian raises his walking stick and whacks the girl across the backside.  CRACK!
OW!!!, she screamed and started to sob,  You stupid jerk what did you do that for??
The Indian, proud of his wisdom and his experience, calmly replied, Checking for bees!!

A rich couple threw a party at their beach front estate. The gentleman was down to earth and friendly but the wife was the typical "rich bitch."  The party was going well, complete with stuff shirts and haughty women who think they are too rich to socialize with the rest of us.  Later that night the party was still in full swing except they had run out escargot.  The wife pulled her husband to the side and told him to go down to the beach and  collect some more snails to prepare for their guests.  The husband GLADLY obliged his wife as the party was just too
"uppity" for his liking.
   While down on the beach as the husband was bending over and picking up snails to put in his bucket, he thought to himself how nice it would be if some down to earth yet beautiful woman would walk up out of the see and ask him to have sex.  All of a sudden he looks up and the most stunning redhead stood there in the skimpiest bikini that showed off her ample breasts
and voluptuous figure.  
   Wanna go have sex, she asks as if aware of his thoughts only
seconds before.
   Hell yeah!, he replies and they rush off hand in hand to the
woman's house a ways down the beach.
   The loving was intense and the passion overwhelming and soon the lovers lay in a sweaty entwined embrace and fell off to dreamland arm in arm.  
   Early that morning the man awakes and notices the sun coming through the window in the womans house.  HOLY SHIT!, he exclaims as he jumps up and makes a bolt for the door, grabbing his clothes and his bucket of snails along the way.  Not even looking back he races down the beach and gets to his house and starts going up the stairs to his back door.  All of a sudden his wife bursts out the door and exclaims,
   Where the hell have you been??!!
The sudden verbal attack startled the man and he spilled his bucket of snails all over the stairs.  Without missing a beat, he quickly looks down and proclaims,
   Come on fellas, we are almost there!!

Near the beginning of time in  Heaven, God walks up to St. Peter and says,
   WHEW, I'm tired!!
   Why, what did you just do?, Peter asks.
   I just created a 24 hour period of light and darkness!, God replied.
   Quite impressed, Peter asks, WOW, what ya gonna do now?
   God took deep breath and with a yawn said, I believe I'm gonna call it a day.

Q: How can you tell Adam was a Lutheran?   
A: Who else could stand beside a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit!

A rich man took his dog and went on an African safari.  Upon their arrival the dog wandered off from camp and decided to explore the great African plain.  After a while the dog realized the sun was starting to set and he knew he needed to head back to camp quickly to avoid becoming some lions next meal. Too late!  A cheetah had seen the dog and started to stalk the
unusual but tasty looking animal.  The dog spotted the cheetah coming up behind him and knew he needed to think of something and fast.  He stopped by an old pile of bones and sat down with his back to the approaching cheetah.  The cheetah thought to himself that this was just too easy as he preceded to sneak up behind the dog getting ready to pounce. Just before the hungry cat leaped, he overheard the dog exclaim as he licked one of the bones,
   Mmmm MMMMMMMM! That was the best tasting cheetah I
have ever had!  
   Well the cheetah scrunched up halted right there and slunk off into the bush, thinking to himself he was lucky to have avoided such a fate as to be dinner himself!  Well unbeknownst to the cheetah a monkey had seen the whole thing go down from up in the treetops and decided if he could catch up to the cheetah that perhaps he could trade some information for a little protection. Off he ran to find the cheetah and explain to him how the dog had made a fool of him.  This infuriated the cheetah and he decided to return to the dog and eat him anyway!  The monkey asked his new protector if he could ride along on his back so he could see the dogs surprise when he got what was coming to him.  The cheetah agreed and with that the monkey hopped on his back and off they sped to the trail the dog had been traveling on.
   Well, the dog had seen the monkey speed off after the cheetah and suspecting something was up, had followed him to see what he was up to. The dog heard everything and knew that he really had to be clever this time as he knew he was no match for the cheetah's speed.  He once again sat down in the middle of the road and thought.  The cheetah rounded the corner and spotted the dog.  He waisted no time and  charged full speed ahead bearing claws and teeth ready to teach the little dog a fatal lesson.
   Just as the cheetah reached the dog and brought his powerful paw back to take him out with one blow, the dog jumped up and said in a loud annoyed voice,
   Where the hell is that monkey with that cheetah, I sent him out over a half hour ago...I swear you can't trust anyone these days!

Did you hear AT&T and Playboy merged?  Now you can finally reach out and touch something worthwhile!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."  I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easy.
   Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos - midnight!)
   The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him " Midnight". He didn't seem upset at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

One day an old man and his grandson were out on the lake fishing from their small boat.  The old man pulled out a cigarette and lit it and the grandson immediately inquired,
   What is that Granddaddy?
   It's tobacco, he bluntly replied.
   Can I try some?, the boy asked.
   Does your pecker touch your asshole yet?, the old man  
asked.
   Well, no, the shocked boy answered his grandfather.
   Well, when it does, then you can have some., the old man
calmly said.
   A little while later, the old man pulled out a beer from the
cooler, popped it open and started drinking it.
   What is that Granddaddy?, the boy asked again.
   It's alcohol., the old man replied.
   Well, can I try some? the boy eagerly asked.
   Can your pecker touch your asshole yet? the old man
once again inquired.
   No, not yet, the boy answered disappointingly.
   Well, when it does, then you can try some., the old man
once again stated.
   A little while later the young boy pulled out a joint and started smoking it.  The old man was curious and immediately asked his grandson,
    What is that, boy?
    It's marijuana, the boy curtly responded.
    I've always wondered about that stuff.  Can I try some? the
old man asked.
    Well, can your pecker touch your asshole? the boy asked
his shocked grandfather?
    Well as a matter of fact it can, the old man proudly proclaimed.
    The boy took a long drag then looked at his grandfather
and replied,
   Then go G%&*# yourself old man I ain,t sharing!

Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A:  Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches!